lose my charm

cam geli je kan bace title post tu..haha..mcmla charming sgt..ceh..
anyway..
i did lose the charm
charm for me is the attitude that people know or notice about u right on
i used to be this 'bright' 'cheerful' 'happy' person..
sekarang..
kurang la kot
mebi ad jgk orang x perasan perubahan aku
tp aku rs aku agak berubah la
from talkative, i've become a better listener now
instead of doing the talk, i prefer to listen
i've become a very boring person..damn!
nk jd mcm dulu
nk jd orang yg happy
orang yg 'who-cares' kind of attitude
aku rindu pd aku yg dulu
sbb aku yg sekarang adalah sangat "gelap"
yg terlalu banyak monolog dalaman
yg sangat "complex"
maybe ni transition process kot
terlalu banyak berfikir
dan pesalahnya adalah perjalanan pegi dan balik kerja a.k.a too much time alone in the car.
menyebabkan aku habiskan masa berfikir..hurm..
perlu cari that 'spark' again
i dont wat to lose it
i need it
where is it?

Orang lain..bukan saya

sy bosan sbnrnya tgk orang yg get cranky easily n menyalahkan hidup kalau ap2 yg berlaku xsperti dia rancang.
x suka tengok orang yang suka beritahu satu dunia betapa miserable nya dia, betapa lonely nya dia. such attention seeker.
i might doing the same jugak..unconsciously, tp jika sedar, sy cuba utk tidak share what lies beneath my heart.
maybe diorang ikhlas berkongsi masalah
tapi, as the issues are getting nowhere, rs cam bosan pulak.
ni sy refer kt status2 orang kt FB la.
kebahagian, cara hidup yang betul, kegembiraan semuanya inisiatif diri sendiri.
misalnya kita sekarang berada di satu sudut gelap,
yang dapat keluarkan kita dr tempat tu just diri kita shj.
yg sepatutnya berusaha untuk melangkah keluar
yg iniate that 1st step hanyalah diri kita
sebab kadang-kadang susah nk harapkan orang lain yang betul2 ikhlas boleh tolong kita
so better rely pada diri sendiri
sbb..depend pada orang lain will only let u down.
expectation will get higher n when that person x bg ap yg kite expect..we will eventually become frustrated.

MELLY GOESLOW -BIMBANG LIRIK

BIMBANG

Pertama kali aku tergugat
Dalam setiap kata yang kau ucap
Bila malam tlah datang
Terkadang ingin ku tulis semua perasaan

Kata orang rindu itu indah
Namun bagiku ini menyiksa
Sejenak ku fikirkan untuk ku benci saja dirimu
Namun sulit ku membenci

Pejamkan mata bila kuingin bernafas lega
Dalam anganku aku berada disatu persimpangan jalan yang sulit kupilih

Ku peluk semua indah hidupku
Hikmah yang ku rasa sangat tulus
Ada dan tiada cinta bagiku tak mengapa
namun ada yang hilang separuh
diriku

word of wisdom 1

" LIFE IS ALWAYS TESTING ONE'S STRENGTH & WEAKNESS THRESHOLD. THAT'S HOW WE LEARN HOW STRONG WE REALLY ARE "

HER

slamat hari ibu, Puan Rahmah Mohamed

every time i'm home, we must have this little daughter n mom's talk
i do the listening n u do all talking
and at that moment, i realize that, what if u're gone?
who is going to talk to me about all those stuff?
who is going to remind me to do this and that?
who is going to determine whether i am right or wrong?
with that thought, i will listen very well in everything that u say
coz i'm so afraid that it might be ur last words

and when i'm far from u,
at night, i'm so afraid if i got a sudden call from anyone at home
i'm so afraid if they will tell me that u're now in peace
with that thought, i cant sleep well at night

i dont want to be far from u
i dont know what i'm doing here
it's like i'm not doing u justice
i'm suppose to be at ur side right?
cooking, cleaning n do all the chores in order to repay the good old days
but no matter how much i do it..it will never be enough

i'm thankful and totally grateful to be ur daughter
ur words are all soothing and never judging
i dont know how to put this but u are my root
keeping me grounded
u are the foundation of my life structure
inspired me throughout the life
i never found somebody as cool n calm like u
very supportive
and indeed my forever cheerleader


but..
but..
i have to let u go someday as been decided
u're not mine..no matter how much i want to keep u
u're His
and u'll be with Him
until that time,
i hope i will give u comfort, pleasure, happiness and everything
and i hope that i'l be strong at that time
i'm strong..i know i can face it..but
i'm sure..life wouldnt be the same again
sky will be forever grey
and i'll be forever hollow
coz..... i've lost 1 part of soul


.............................................................................................................................................

Priority

now almost 24
priority da berubah
tibe2 cam terfikir
' i want to mark my existence'
if not..rasa cam sia2 je
aku nk do somthingla..
if dpt achieve smtg n inspire people..tu even better
insyaAllah~

ni pilihan hidup masing2 la kan
setengah orang, apa2 pon ok
setengah orang, nak lebih dr yang mampu
i just want to live the best life
the best life bg aku ialah when aku rasa puas
tak kiralah dr segi apa pon
i'll never be content
sifat buruk manusia ni kan tamak
so aku pon xterlepas
tp aku rs kalo kaya2 sgt pn buat ap
asal cukup makan pakai, bahagia, okay la tu

aku tgk jgk kehidupan sesetengan perempuan yg aku knal
keinginan diorang da terbatas lepas kahwin
even ad diploma, tp kerja bukan dengan kelayakan diorang n dpt gaji pn xsetimpal
ad jgk yg suami tak bagi kerja sesuai dgn klayakan
xpasti la apa alasan
aku tak berhak untuk mengomen hal ni
tp kadang2 rs geram jgk sbb seolah2 selepas kawin, isteri dah xboleh bersuara
sepatutnya suami lebih tolak ansur dan tak terus buat keputusan
even isteri adalah hak suami, perlu diingati juga yg isteri itu asalnya seorang individu
yg ada impian
ada harapan
dr kecil
nak jd ap
nk hidup macam mana
da tak nampak kegembiraan di muka diorang
susah jd seorang isteri
perlu gembirakan suami
puaskan hati mertua
didik anak
tapi hati sendiri terabai
even diorang x cakap
tp..aku dpt selami jgkla hati diorang yg dah x harapkan apa2 untuk diri sendiri
just harap suami dan anak2 hepy
mungkin itu jugaklah kebahagiaan diorang
sebab hanya itu hidup diorang..kesian..
diharapkan suami perlu hormati isteri sebagai individu..bukannya sbg hak diri sendiri
aku takut juga kalau jumpa suami macam tu
yang terus meletakkan keputusan tanpa tolak ansur
bagi aku yg otak sangat independent ni..susah sikitla nk tolerate dgn orang mcm ni.
aku xnk jd derhaka..T_T

throwing tantrums

as i grew older..the more grumpy i've become..(sounds like a very old man's version)
i'm such a bad tempered person
but it doesn't last long
it just, when it happen,
I tend to hurt other people
with words
or action
i'm a Bi**H when i'm mad
tat's why when i'm in that mood..
i like to be left alone until i'm better

i dont like being in that situation
i dont like throwing tantrum to other people and get cranky easily
but i'm not a saint either
i have a feeling
i have the sense of being mad, happy, and all that
so..i think it's ok to be mad once in a while
just control it and keep it to ur self
so..when u see me in sudden silent, maybe in that moment i tried my best to hide the anger

i am so geram right now
so i'm staying in this silent mode
i dont care about what other people r talking right now
dont ask anything for now coz i don care
dont hope for a smile coz my heart is grey
just let me be
let me heal
let me deal